no future

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<strong>Your Brain is 80% Female, 20% Male</strong>
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Your brain leans female<br />
You think with your heart, not your head<br />
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver<br />
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!
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<div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatgenderisyourbrainquiz/">What Gender Is Your Brain?</a></div>

i've been having trouble breathing here and there on occasion. and sometimes it feels like my heart is trying to jump up from my chest.

the devil can't get into your house unless you let him in.

skipping work. i feel sick anyways. gotta grab a few more things. then i will go.

the apartment must be cleaned. aaaahhh!

throwingcoke (10:05:28 AM): hey
sundriedhooker (10:05:32 AM): ey hubby
sundriedhooker (10:05:34 AM): what u[
sundriedhooker (10:05:35 AM): up
throwingcoke (10:05:41 AM): life is hard when you're in love with a slut
throwingcoke (10:06:11 AM): aileen fucked a coworker yesterday
throwingcoke (10:06:47 AM): what's worst is that it doesnt mean anything to her
throwingcoke (10:07:19 AM): yeah she's told me im the only person she likes to hold after sex and im the only person who she's ever felt had meaning every time we've had sex
throwingcoke (10:07:22 AM): i dunno
sundriedhooker (10:07:37 AM): dont listen to that bullshit
throwingcoke (10:07:55 AM): ouch
sundriedhooker (10:07:58 AM): she just wants to have her cake and eat it too
throwingcoke (10:08:02 AM): yeah
sundriedhooker (10:08:02 AM): shes starting to sound liek diana now
throwingcoke (10:08:07 AM): im so confused
throwingcoke (10:08:11 AM): i dont want to leave
throwingcoke (10:08:13 AM): but
sundriedhooker (10:08:19 AM): i know exactly how you feel
throwingcoke (10:08:19 AM): at the same time i do
sundriedhooker (10:08:25 AM): sometimes you have to live it up til you hate her
throwingcoke (10:08:28 AM): i dont want to move back in with julian
sundriedhooker (10:08:29 AM): or have no feelings at all
sundriedhooker (10:08:40 AM): so move to ny!
sundriedhooker (10:08:41 AM): lol
throwingcoke (10:08:43 AM): haha
throwingcoke (10:08:48 AM): we're both still moving to seattle
throwingcoke (10:08:54 AM): probably getting our own places
sundriedhooker (10:08:54 AM): who
sundriedhooker (10:08:56 AM): aileen
sundriedhooker (10:08:58 AM): ugh
sundriedhooker (10:09:05 AM): thats so gross
throwingcoke (10:09:07 AM): but she wants to live in the same complex
sundriedhooker (10:09:19 AM): i cant believe shes trying to shove you off onto other girls so she feels better about being a slut
sundriedhooker (10:09:25 AM): yeah
sundriedhooker (10:09:31 AM): so she can keep an eye on you like a psycho bitch
throwingcoke (10:09:42 AM): my friend is convinced we'll get back togethor in seattle
sundriedhooker (10:09:42 AM): girls are insane
sundriedhooker (10:09:49 AM): diana broke up with me and called me evey tuesday night
sundriedhooker (10:10:00 AM): becuase she knew that was my night of being a pimp
throwingcoke (10:10:04 AM): but he was also convinced aileen wasnt going to sleep with my coworker and look what happened
sundriedhooker (10:10:10 AM): so she would call to keep track on my behavior
sundriedhooker (10:10:17 AM): ugh
sundriedhooker (10:10:22 AM): thats so fucked

got best in show. what a load of crap. i still got a b+ as my final grade. funny the grade is more important to me than the award.

being the only graphic designer that was male and graduating was weird.


story of my life. the only guy in an all girl's club.


someone call me i need to celebrate.

my portfolio sucks. now i must show it to the public. how shameful is that.

oh well.

yeah i know. i know everything.

all i can do is laugh.

i'm here trying to move the earth with you. i'm here for the pain. i'm here to clean up and fix your cuts when you fall.

yeah it's hard. and while you want to break down i want to break down too. but i know that while things are different i will always be a rock for you.

im feeling a little anxious. things are about to get ugly tomorrow. all the printing that still needs to be done.

anyways.

great smile.

sometimes life feels like a daniel johnston song.









ow.

if you forget how to feel. reach inside your chest. is there a heart beating? or is there just emptiness?

the only one with a laugh like music.

so here i am making a livejournal post about my feelings. how pathetic of me.

the truth is i've always had a problem with opening up. i guess i hate talking about myself. there's more interesting subjects in the world. not to mention i'm always so unsure of my past. what's real and what isn't. how i felt on a certain day or during a certain event. what i was thinking.

then there are my feelings. i don't want to seem like a selfish guy. so i don't talk about my feelings. i don't think talking about how you feel is selfish but i've always believed that if i talk about what's troubling ME instead of what's troubling OTHERS then i'm just adding to another person's burdern. i'm not solving any problems. i'm not doing anyone any good. even if everyone knows i'm not happy with something if i can convince them that i'm fine then they'll be fine too.

right now it looks like i'll be back where i was six months ago. alone, virtually homeless, broke, no car, and no future. because i couldn't confront my girlfriend and a friend of mine about their feelings. even if it bothered me slightly i didn't want to come off as an asshole or jealous even. but i'm sure i've managed to do both.

i'd be lying if i didn't say that aileen really is the best thing to happen to me. and she just might be the only thing.

and here i probably made her lose one of the best friends she'll ever have. because im such a jerk that i can't just tell people how i feel.

i don't want to lose her.

zack on the other hand i'm not going to lose. he's a friend. he'll always be a friend. best friend or not he'll still be my friend.

but just the thought of losing her.

it hurts.

sux to be gay people.

life is too short to make a summary.

i missed steven's 21st birthday. ringo is cut and bleeding in the next room. ill probably have to take him to the vet.